It wasn’t fun anymore. Using for me was always fun, until it wasn’t. Until the time came when I was using against my better judgment and consequences erased fun. Using became the motivation in my life. There came a time for me when I had to get high or I would suffer withdraw. I have driven a 13 hour drive in 10 hours and hiked over 3 miles in the middle of the night to get a fix. I’ve slept with people, stolen from family and friends, and lied to doctors so that I could feel “normal” and not get sick. Addiction requires me to use by any means necessary. It was fun in the beginning, I loved the people I met, the experiences I had, the feeling the drugs gave me. I was happy, or so I thought. Addiction is one cunning enemy, so insidious that it tricked me into believing that the person or the store I stole from actually didn’t matter. “Stores have insurance” and “they budget for theft right”. “The old lady obviously has money, look at her car”; “I need it more than she does”. I convinced myself I was the one who mattered while actively using just because my disease knows exactly what lies to tell me and the justifications that work the best for me. It was such a hopeless and degrading life yet it was the only one I knew. I didn’t start out that way at all, I used to be an upstanding, productive member of society. Addiction made me a self-centered, obsessed and manipulative person.
Recovery allows me relief from my thoughts, my behaviors, and my disease. I no longer think of how to take from people. My thoughts are recovery based, “how can I help another” instead of “how can I get others to do what I want”. I have a daily reprieve from the old me and that reprieve has given me years of freedom.
By asking for help, I received a New Life and a new sense of self. Today I seek freedom by any means necessary.