Recovery isn’t about what I’ve done, it’s about what I am doing today, living a New Life, a better life than I had yesterday. There’s a saying, when you know better you do better. Today I am doing better, and a million times better than I did while in the hands of addiction. I used people, places, and things to fix my feelings. I was in a constant state of need, more drugs, more money, time to go faster, or slower depending on the moment. I wanted for everything and would do anything to get it. Manipulation, motives, rationalizations, conditional friendships, and perpetual distrust of people around me were just some of the constants in my life. There was no balance, no grey, no compromises. I was either high or not, happy or angry/sad. I lived only in extreme emotions. I was never able to just be ok with what was and always looked to the past or future.
My life today, the New Life I have received by being given the miracle of Recovery is so vastly different from the world I lived in. There are no words to describe it, we have to live it. I couldn’t comprehend the life I have today. Had I been asked what I wanted I would have described situations, things, accomplishments. I have some of those things but I also have so much more. It is rare that I look to the past to justify my behaviors and feelings. I can accept life as it comes and feel the feelings that are attached to situations in a healthy way. I found the grey, a balance, acceptance, and a whole New Life that I never thought possible.